There are many clichés about finding love. “You will know it when you see it.” “When you know, you know.” “It will feel different from anything you have ever felt.” These are all very mystical notions.
They are also very aggravating. The idea of knowing or feeling indicates that there’s a higher power involved, that this kind of attraction is based on chemistry, on planets and signs, on destiny -- what you do or say has nothing to do with it. Women are usually the ones who use these clichés, and they use
them with goofy grins painted across their faces. "I just knew." "I had butterflies." "It can happen to you too." As your Wing Girl, I will let you in on a little secret: Love is not as cosmically determined as women would like to believe.
There is a recipe for creating butterflies, and I am going to give it to you.What They Definitely Don’t Want Do Women Really Prefer Bad Boys to Nice Guys?
Many men believe women want to be with the Bad Boy and that being labeled as “Nice” is the kiss of death. The first thing that I want to get out there is that women do want to be with a nice man;
what they do not want is a man who is a wimp. There is a big difference. "Nice" is simply the polite term women use when what they really mean is "Grow some freaking balls and stop being a wimp!"
Women Do Not Want to Be With the Bad Boy!
I have never heard of a woman sitting with her friends during Girls’ Night who said, "I can't wait
until I meet a jerk who will treat me poorly, belittle me on a daily basis, and show absolutely no respect for me." If that is what you believe women want. . .we have some serious work to do!
I will admit that I understand how this rumor started and why so many men still believe that acting like a jerk will get them everything they want with women. Every day you see women with guys who you know don’t deserve them; jerks or downright douche bags with amazing women by their sides.
You may even be the shoulder that those women cry on when these guys act like selfish scumbags. You
think to yourself, "I’m a great guy; I should be with this girl. I have to become just like those jerks so that
girls will date me." Let me explain why these women keep going back to those Bad Boy characters.
Sadly, the Bad Boys are the ones who approach women. Nice Guys rarely approach women and
if they do, they screw it up every time because they instantly put the woman on a pedestal. Bad Boys
are confident in themselves, respect the lives they have created, and they go after the women they
want without fear of rejection. In the beginning, they display characteristics of a man any girl would want to be with. They show confidence, self-respect, independence, leadership, passion, and desirability to other women. Then something interesting happens. Slowly their true colors start to show and it
becomes apparent that they are jerks. However, by this point a woman is hooked on the Bad Boy. She believes that her first evaluation
of him was correct and is embarrassed by her seeming “stupidity.” She tries to change him back into that great guy that she believes he secretly is. She tries to make him into a man he will never be. And so
the vicious cycle begins. It continues until she is finally ready to give up and cut her losses. This can take a long time.
I see it happen constantly with my female friends. I hear them complain, get mad, and try
everything to turn their Bad Boy into the Nice Guy they thought he was, and that they demand he be. I
can tell you for a fact that women do not want to be with Bad Boys, Jerks, and assholes. Who would?
What we do want is a mix of the Knight in Shining Armor who sweeps us off our feet and the
Bad Biker Boy from the wrong side of the tracks who takes us on a thrill ride. A woman wants a manwith a backbone, one who will tell her when she is wrong. She wants a man who will not lie down and play dead when she is being overly demanding or bossy.
A strong, independent woman wants a man who will treat her well. She will not go searching for
a "player" or a two-timing douche-bag. All we are asking for is a man to treat us with respect yet at the
same time respect himself. Women do not want to be with a Bad Boy. What women want is to be with a
Nice Guy that is confident and a leader; who holds boundaries, and respects himself. A Nice Guy with all the Bad Boy strengths. In my eyes, Nice Guys will always have massive sex appeal!
Why Men Give Bad Advice
Just when I think, I have taken men two steps forward, I get emails like the one following. Emails
from guys telling me they have stumbled upon Pick-Up Artist materials or advice from a "reputable resource" that their friends recommend. Inevitably, it blows up in their faces. Check out the email on the next page from a guy who stumbled upon an old Tom Leykis segment and was given the typical advice of "just treat girls like crap." Also, check out how the tactic blew up in his face!
Too Much Game Can Ruin Your Chances with Women
Many men get carried away trying to play "The Game"--so carried away with being charming
that they lose the girl! Listen, I am the first one to admit that I love the game! I love the banter, the
butterflies, the teasing, all of it. It is fun, but only for a night, maybe two at the most. After that, I need
something a little more substantial or I’ll move on.
A while back when I was first introduced to the world of the Pick-Up Artists, I met one of its leaders, Mystery, while speaking at a David DeAngelo seminar. In case you do not know what a Pick-Up
Artist is, I will explain. A Pick-Up Artist is a man who considers himself skilled (or who tries to be skilled) at meeting, attracting, and seducing women. The term Pick-Up Artist is associated with the seduction
community which is a heterosexual male subculture based on the goal of improved sexual and romantic
abilities with women. Pick-Up Artists develop pick-up lines, routines, and gambits. They aim to improve their seductive capabilities through the development of different lifestyles. Many Pick-Up Artists use
manipulative tactics to feed off a woman’s insecurities, seduce her, and get what they want. These
techniques not only hurt women but also men. The more women interact with a said "Pick-Up Artists" and get hurt, the more cautious they will be with all men. This means higher hurdles for regular guys to jump over.
Back to my point. . .I met Mystery. He was a tall man wearing a top hat, nail polish and a leotard.
I kid you not. He introduced himself by teasing me and telling me stories, which honestly kept me
captivated for an hour. I understand how his game works, and it worked on me. I was excited, bubbly, and dying for him to want me. Did I want him? Not at all, but I wanted him to want me. Do you see the
difference?
I did not fall madly in love with him, nor did I think we had a great connection, but I had an urge
for him to like me and want me. Once we separated, though, I did not think of him again. I didn’t want
to talk to him the next day or for him to call me. I got everything out of him that I wanted. I knew there
was nothing else he could offer. His magic only worked for a short period of time because I had nothing
real to feel connected to. I was simply entertained.
Many of the men that I work with on a daily basis are or have been part of the Pick- Up Artist
community. They have consumed tons of Pick-Up Artist materials and have probably done a boot camp
or two with a top Pick-Up Artist. These men have no problem engaging and approaching women, but
they all come to me with the same problem.
"Where did I go wrong? How did I lose her?"
The answer to those questions is that they were so wrapped up in the game that they forgot to
be present and connect to the woman in front of them. They have learned to capture an audience but
they have not learned how to make that audience want more. At the core, most Pick-Up Artist programs
mean well. However, if used incorrectly, they do a lot more harm than good.
These programs fall short because they dehumanize men and women alike, making it nearly
impossible to form a real connection. I am going to give you a straight and honest female perspective. As
a man, you have to give women a little more than entertainment to win her heart. I receive many of
these emails, but I just want to share a few with you that show the kinds of mistakes men tend to make
when they take the wrong advice.
The following email is from a 26-year-old man in London, England.
Hey Marni,
Wanted to ask you a question but I am going to need to explain the situation to you first so you get the
full picture. It was a singles’ social boat-cruise, and the following are the events that happened with one
of the cuties that I am interested in dating. Need some opinion on how to pick up the momentum.
The particular cutie that caught my eye I approached by grabbing her by her arm and telling her to
follow me. She came along willingly.
Me: Why were you avoiding me all night?
Her: I was not; you were busy running around with other girls.
Me: Wait, are you single?
Her: Yes, of course
Me: You had better be, otherwise I would have to kick you off the boat!
Her: *Dead air*
Me: Are you a good girl or a nice girl?
Her: Naughty but nice.
Me: Do you speak English?
Her: Yes.
Me: Choose one then…good or nice?
Her: Nice I guess.
Me. Do you know the difference?
Her: You tell me.
Me: Good Girl goes out, comes home and sleeps; Nice Girl goes out, sleeps and comes home.
Her: *Dead air*
Me: Do you know the difference between Good Secretary and a Nice Secretary?
Her: No, go ahead.
Me: Good Secretary will say, "Good morning, Sir," and Nice Secretary will say, "It’s morning, Sir."
Her: *Dead air*
Then we have a chat about where she is staying, her ethnic mix, and places she has traveled. She turns
out to be Singaporean and British.
Me: I bet you suck at Thumb-Wrestling!"
Her: Bring it on.
Me: I do not play without a wager.
Her: What is the wager?
Me: Loser buys dinner. Her: Okay.
Me: No Cheating! Best out of three, go!
Last round, I start to tickle her and wrestle with her. It is good fun with some tension. I lose on purpose
because I tickled her. I say, "Okay, give me your number and we’ll set something up." We part. The next
hour, we exchange glances and I throw a few "I’m watching you" and "Stay out of trouble" lines at her,
at which she giggles (most probably from a nice dosage of alcohol).
Friday: Cool off.
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